An incomplete and growing list of reasons I’ve rejected potential suitors and real estate
Recently I’ve found myself simultaneously in the market for a new boyfriend… and to buy a house. In an effort to be efficient, I’m leveraging the technologies behind multiple online dating and real estate sites, and I’ve started noticing a pattern: The rejections I have for homes and suitors are often the same. I’ve found myself hitting various thumbs downs and swiping lefts for a range of what I think are perfectly practical (and similar) reasons.
Here is a round up of reactions I’ve had to potential houses and dates online:
- You looked bigger on the Internet.
- You’ve got zero curb appeal.
- Everything needs to be trimmed.
- Paisley? Seriously?
- Clearly you’re going to need a lot of work.
- I am not getting sucked in to another fixer-upper situation.
- This might be what you looked like in the ’90s, but this is not a recent photo.
- You are much, much too old for me.
- Ha! Nice rug.
- You look too big for me.
- These photos are obviously filtered.
- Why are there random photos of area attractions in your profile?
- Why are your pictures so distorted?
- Too dumpy.
- You could have cleaned up a bit before taking photos.
- Your bathroom mirror is filthy.
- Why is your description in ALL CAPS?
- You look cheap.
- You haven’t aged well.
- I see you’re stuck in the ’80s.
- You’re not even available, so why are you on here?
- You are much, much too young for me.
- You look dangerous.
- You’re located too far away.
- You’d be a total energy suck.
- Your photos are too blurry to tell me anything.
- Is it really so hard to rotate a photo before posting it online?
- You’re too close to a church.
- You keep saying you’re a catch, but you don’t look like it to me.
- I’d be mortified to show you to my friends.
- You seem broken beyond repair.
- Lies. All lies.
- Kill it with fire.