An incomplete and growing list of reasons I’ve rejected potential suitors and real estate

Recently I’ve found myself simultaneously in the market for a new boyfriend… and to buy a house. In an effort to be efficient, I’m leveraging the technologies behind multiple online dating and real estate sites, and I’ve started noticing a pattern: The rejections I have for homes and suitors are often the same. I’ve found myself hitting various thumbs downs and swiping lefts for a range of what I think are perfectly practical (and similar) reasons.

Here is a round up of reactions I’ve had to potential houses and dates online:

  • You looked bigger on the Internet.
  • You’ve got zero curb appeal.
  • Everything needs to be trimmed.
  • Paisley? Seriously?
  • Clearly you’re going to need a lot of work.
  • I am not getting sucked in to another fixer-upper situation.
  • This might be what you looked like in the ’90s, but this is not a recent photo.
  • You are much, much too old for me.
  • Ha! Nice rug.
  • You look too big for me.
  • These photos are obviously filtered.
  • Why are there random photos of area attractions in your profile?
  • Why are your pictures so distorted?
  • Too dumpy.
  • You could have cleaned up a bit before taking photos.
  • Your bathroom mirror is filthy.
  • Why is your description in ALL CAPS?
  • You look cheap.
  • You haven’t aged well.
  • I see you’re stuck in the ’80s.
  • You’re not even available, so why are you on here?
  • You are much, much too young for me.
  • You look dangerous.
  • You’re located too far away.
  • You’d be a total energy suck.
  • Your photos are too blurry to tell me anything.
  • Is it really so hard to rotate a photo before posting it online?
  • You’re too close to a church.
  • You keep saying you’re a catch, but you don’t look like it to me.
  • I’d be mortified to show you to my friends.
  • You seem broken beyond repair.
  • Lies. All lies.
  • Kill it with fire.